Wait… What?

Let’s talk about games for once.

I recently “borrowed” Fallout 3 from my favorite retailer, and I really don’t mind spoiling every bit of the story.

So, you start this game, go through a fantastic character creation and development sequence where you start as an unborn child and live the key moments of your early life. You are a one year old baby fiddling with his first steps and exploring his little room in the vault, and you find a SPECIAL book where you learn about the stats that will govern your character evolution and you choose them. You are then fast forwarded to your 10th birthday party where you receive your Pip-Boy and your first toy gun, the BB Gun. You are suddenly a 16 year old young man about to take the G.O.A.T. test that will determine your job in the Vault community. After that, bam, the real plot unveils and starts with a bang! Before you know it you are 19 and you’ve got your first major plot twist on your hands. Your father (and your mother, that died during childbirth) were originally from outside the Vault.

Wait… what?

I love a good plot twist as much as anyone (and then some), but outsiders can’t just move into a sealed community in an underground sealed facility without anyone and everyone noticing. Anyway, assuming that everyone in Vault 101 besides the Overseer is a moron, we venture out to find Dad. We visit Megaton, and there we decide if we want to destroy it, with the nuke they have stuck in the middle of the town, or if we want to save it disarming the huge bomb. From there we move on to Dad’s next place of interest and we finally uncover Dad’s driving motivation for leaving the Vault in the first place starting your own quest to find him: he’s trying to build a water purifier.

Wait… what?

A water purifier? Really? I can obviously see how it might be important to the survivors in the Wastelands, but it’s not exactly the epic destiny or back-story I imagined Daddy might have. I mean, we’ve got mutants, warring factions and plenty of other sources of radiations… as wonderful as it would be for the water basin to be purified, it seems like humanity has more than enough other problems on its hands to make such a big deal about clean water. Besides, everyone survived on dirty water up until now, I don’t see what the big fuss is.

Whatever, we’ll go with it. And so we run off and find out that Dad’s stuck in the Matrix, or at least a virtual Pleasantville called Tranquillity Lane, and the “Good Karma” thing to do here is to use the failsafe terminal to start a communist invasion in the virtual world that kills all the happy citizens in a sudden and terrorizing fashion.

Wait… what?

Sure, they were brainwashed… but they were also happy. And NOT dead.

Anyway, Dad and I are free now, and he won’t stop talking about his bloody water purifier. Great! He explains how the project was halted, before I was born, after an army of super mutants took over the area, and convinces everyone to get a band together to fight them. Then they walk over to Jefferson Memorial, and calmly wait for me to go kill all the super mutants.

Wait… what?

This army of super mutants, and I can’t stress the super part enough, drove out an entire group of people, and you want me to show up 19 years later and kill them all without any help? Either everyone involved is a pansy, or they assume that I’m the Juggernaut.

Whatever; I kill all the mutants with the sole imposition of my hands (and guns) and get Dad back in his lab. Dad has me do some really trivial and boring fetch quests in the basement, which are apparently too difficult for anyone else based on his constant praise of how excellent I was at flipping that switch or pulling that lever.

Of course, this is all just an excuse for the plot to get me in the best seat to observe the Enclave invasion.

Wait… what?

Why is the shadow government of the United States invading our water purifier?

I am expecting some dumb monologue from a villain any second now, about how “The Enclave needs the people to need the Enclave” and how purifying the water supply would somehow lessen the power they hold… or something like that.

Sure enough I get up there to see some dude, a Liquid Snake wannabe with the wrong accent, saying that the government is taking over the project so they can activate it.

Wait… what?

Isn’t that what we are trying to do here anyway? Activate it and purify the water? Why did you need to invade the place guns-a-blazing? On the other hand Dad, in an impetus of angered initiative, tells the people with guns to take a hike, so that  he can activate the implant and purify the water.

Wait… what?

Dad, why are you arguing with someone who is telling you at gunpoint to do what you want to do anyway? JESUS! Why is anyone even fighting at all, we all want the same - OMG HE JUST SHOT HER WTF IS GOING ON HERE AHHHH!!11one

Then Dad for some reason causes an explosion, killing everybody inside the chamber including himself.

Wait… what?

Now we have to escape through the secret passageway!

Wait… what?

Your water purifier has an extensive secret tunnel system leading directly to the Brotherhood of Steel headquarters?!? Why is the Enclave even chasing us, didn’t they want the water purifier?!? I still have no idea why we are fighting over something we all want activated in the first place; I’m expecting someone to jump out any moment and reveal that it’s actually a giant water *CANNON* or some other crazy and amazing military weapon. Because that would be an “Oh, ok” moment.

Meanwhile everyone is still obsessed with activating the water purifier. Uhm, guys? I appreciate the dedication to work and all but THE GOVERNMENT JUST INVADED AND KILLED HALF OF US, and they want to activate it anyway! But they won’t even listen to me. After a while I learn that apparently the missing piece is a GECK. Wait, that’s it? All this time and the only missing thing was a fucking GECK? They don’t exactly grow on people, do they? And it’s been two decades people, you couldn’t find one in 20 years? Sheesh! If this water purifier is so amazingly important .. never mind, screw everyone, I’ll go get your stupid GECK. So, my new radiation-proof friend Fawkes gets the GECK for me, and the Enclave shows up to steal it.

Wait… what?

The Enclave has an army. They control the Vault system more than anyone, why in hell would they need me to get them a stupid GECK? Villains are supposed to manipulate the heroes into doing stuff they themselves can’t do! Also, pardon me Colonel Random Villain, but aren’t you supposed to be dead? Whatever, the boss of the Enclave is calling me up to his office, and the Colonel orders his men to kill me anyway.

Wait… what?

I thought he was keeping me alive to get informations, like the access code (Why would a water purifier need an access code anyway I’ll never know.) or something. Now the president himself wants to meet me, and that is so terrible that you immediately rebel against him and order all the soldiers to kill me? Anyway, I make it to the president’s office and, surprise surprise, it’s a computer. It tempts me with its evil plan to inject a solution that will use the purifier to demutate the wastelands.

Wait… what?

How is that evil? Sure, it’s not the most compassionate solution, since it would kill most of the currently living people, the ones with mutations at least, but it also actually gives the world a future without mutants, radiation, and constant war! (Instead of the “Oh well, everything still sucks, but we’ve got clean water now!”) Given that the theme of Fallout 3’s plot is “sacrifice”, how is sacrificing current humanity for future humanity the worst and most evil option?

Whatever, I say “No, I’m not going to do your dirty work, now would you kindly commit suicide and self-destruct the base?” And to that compelling argument the president of logic answers “Ok”

Wait… what?

I go back to the Brotherhood of Steel with my pal Fawkes, and tell them the news: “The Enclave stole the GECK! They might activate the water purifier.” “OH NOES!”

Wait… what?

The only one knowing about the secret plan to demutate the wastelands was the President and it’s gone, why do we care if they finish the project and purify the water? Isn’t that what we want anyway? Doesn’t it seem .. you know what? Never mind, we’ve been here before.

So we prepare our assault with an awesome robot and fight our way to the purifier. Fake Liquid Snake tries to stop us from .. whatever it is we are trying to do. (Stop them from purifying the water so we can purify the water? Gogo!) Fawkes kills everyone who looks at me funny, and we go up to the control room. Oh noes! The Enclave sabotaged it so it is building up pressure and will explode!

Wait… what?

Let me get this straight. After all that trash talk, they actually predicted all along we would eventually kill them, so, instead of purifying the water like everyone wants, they decided they would rather make it explode to take us with them?

That’s just plain stupid!

Now, someone has to go inside to put in that stupid activation code that will magically purify the water and stop the impending explosion. Problem is, for some reason or another the room is radioactive and going in will kill you.

Wait… what?

I’ve got hundreds of Rad-Xs, Rad Aways, multiple Radiation Suits, a bag full of assorted antiradiation drugs and who knows what else to mitigate the effects of poisoning guys. I’ve been doing it the entire game. I don’t care how super radioactive it is, I only have to hit four buttons, Jesus. Whatever, if the chamber would kill me, I’ll just ask Fawkes to do it for me, he’s immune to radiation! And I can even ask him, but his reply is: “This is your destiny, my friend. I cannot interfere.”

Wait… WHAT?!

Why on earth would I have to die when Mr. Invincipants could just do it? Pushing FOUR damn buttons isn’t that hard, is it? I know you are upset for your condition, Fawkes, but that’s no reason to make the playable character die! What’s that? You want me to follow in my father’s footsteps as a metaphor? Screw that, what kind of person kills someone just to be poetic? For crying out loud, Dad’s body isn’t even there anymore!

 

***

 

In the end the game is great, but the story looks like it was hastily written, as if the director came in to a meeting room one morning and opened with “Ok guys, this game looks great. We’ve done a great job capturing the feel of the original Fallout games and putting it in our critically acclaimed Oblivion mold. The dialogues are solid, the voice acting is very good and the combat system is well done. This game is ready to hit the shelves next week. Now… We need some kind of storyline”

And so it began. “Two sides in an apocalyptic future fight to see who can turn on a water purifier first!”

Wait… What?